New post which means I have new emotions that I need to get out. I'm tired of being a loner. I HATE being a loner but it's very difficult to stop being one because I have such social anxiety that it isn't funny. I hate going out. I hate being around strangers. I'm cluster phobic so I feel really uncomfortable when i'm around a lot of strangers in a tight place and it frustrates me and gives me a head ache. I hate feeling like this. And the worst part of it all, my mom acts like she doesn't want a loner like me for a kid. She always tells me how i'm not fun and she's not the ONLY person who has told me that. Growing up, I've always had people tell me or my mom that i'm not a fun person to be around and it hurts. It hurts to the core. I feel like I should save everybody the trouble and just go ahead and kill myself.
I'm not happy even when I try to be. I'm always putting on a smile in front of people and i'm tired of it. I'm tired of when i'm not smiling, people are always telling me that I should smile and you know what I want to say to them? I want to say FUCK YOU because I don't give a shit about smiling. Next time someone tells me to smile, I won't smile and i'll just stare at them like they have ten heads. I'm tired of trying to please everybody. I'm just tired. I shouldn't have to work this hard to have any friends or to hang out with anybody or anything. I don't deserve this. For the past month, it feels like I keep falling back into my old ways. The ways where i'm so angry and super depressed. I don't want to go back to the dark side but i'm slowly slipping every day and i'm terrified of falling back into the darkness and doing things or saying things that i'll regret.
I want someone to listen to me but I don't have the heart or the will to go seek help. I always try to get attention but it seems like nobody wants to listen or nobody understands so I keep my feelings bottled up. I can't do this anymore but I don't know what else to do. I'm stuck, slowly slipping into the darkness. I....I can't anymore.
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