There's not much to say about how depressing my life feels. I wake up, i go to school, i have 'suppose' friends but inside, i'm still sad. Even with all the laughing and talking and smiling i do, deep down, i still feel very depressed. I deeply hate myself for many things. One: My Anger issues. I can't control them. Its like a disorder that comes out to ruin my life. I get mad easily and i don't like it. Sometimes i wish i can dorment it. Just yesterday or so, this girl pissed me off. Shes my friends girlfriend and i don't want to complain to my friend because shes my friend and i know she wouldn't like it if i complain about how her girlfriend is a mean b*tch. I also hold grudges against the people who hurt me. If they try to pick a fight with me or say the wrong thing with an attitude, i would get so pissed that i would feel like cussing them out and slitting their throats.
A long time ago last year, my anger problems were way more worse then they are now. I used to get mad at my friends all the time and they would get annoyed with me. This one girl was so annoying. We was friends but..she always blammed me for stuff. I hate it when people accuse me of stuff i didn't do. The worst part is, we had this hacker that came into me and my friends chatroom. We thought we got rid of him but he said he was 'keylogging' into one of us. Now, i didn't know what exactly keylogging was until it happen to me...
I was taking a nap one day after i told everybody i was getting off for a little break. BIG MISTAKE. When i came back on and logged into the chat, there was someone who was posing as me and cussing at my friends. Now, that REALLY scared me and pissed me off because i didn't know HOW that person even knew my information. He knew EVERYTHING that was going on with me and when i logged on, he saw it was me and quickly logged out. I noticed it but my friends were too blind with anger to have seen it so they quickly attacked me. I tried reasoning with them that it wasn't me but since i always got angry at them in the past, they didn't believe me of course so i lost them. One by one, each of my friends left the chat. The owner of this rp thread i was in, banned me from her rp. I had nobody. The only person who still believed in me and who stood by me was my best friend Allie. She said that it wasn't gonna be fun anymore in the rp if i was gone so, she quit.
Later on, the same girl who banned me from her rp, accused me of convincing Allie to QUIT the rp. I kept telling her that SHE quit on her own but she didn't believe me. I felt so lost and helpless that i just couldn't help but cry to my mom about it. I never really told my mom about what's been going on in my Gaia life until then. I felt like the only person i can talk to is her. Mom made me feel better afterwards but i was still lost.
The next day, i was moving. It was terrible to have to deal with all this mess JUST when i was about to move. So,i packed up my things and moved into my new house. Sadly, we had to wait for a WHOLE week to get internet and tv so that really stunk and by the time we got it, i hopped on Gaia and said a welcome back hello to everybody. I even asked my friend who was in the rp with me before about how everything was going and if the girl was still mad at me or whatever. Sad thing, she was. The other time it pissed me off when her and her friend tried pretending to be someone else and when they revealed themselves, i was shocked. THEY was the ones that kept messing with me. I felt like this nightmare wouldn't stop coming. It was like EVERYTHING bad that was happening kept coming back to me to haunt me. I was so depressed.
2 months ago, i got most of my friends back whom i lost a year ago. I was happy and everything was good but i still feel a bit depressed and sad from time to time. My anger issues still haunt me to this day and would NEVER stop until i do something about it. Don't get me wrong, i LOVE Gaia and everybody whos in it but sometimes i wish that all the pain would stop. I thought that if i quit, it would but i just can't do it. I can't leave all my friends behind and all the rps i've been in. Its just too hard. I miss the old days back in 07 and 08 where i was happy, i had awsome friends, i hardly EVER got on the comp but when i did, it was either ClubPenguin or Allykatz. My life started going down hill as SOON as i entered High School.
Now high school, i hated it. Last semester, i was stressed and depressed. I was failing classes and i couldn't even get a STUPID math credit! I HATE math with a passion! WHY do we even need it!?? All we need to keep is money! Everything else like Algerbra and slopes and all that shit we don't need. This brings me back to my current math teacher.
She AND her co-helper said stuff so mean that it nearly made me cry at the end of 3rd period and by 4th period, i broke down in tears. I felt so sad and i kept blaming math for my problems. I just can't get it. Luckily, my best friend Chris conforted me. He's such a nice guy but can be an ass at times. I really needed a hug at the time and he was the only one there for me.
I'm a writer, i'm a song-writer,i'm someone whos depressed about life. No, i don't cut or burn myself, i just vent my feelings out to my closest friends or mom if i need to. I'm so glad i have my mom to be there for me and understand me. I don't know what i would do without her. Sometimes, she doesn't understand most stuff like my depression and stressful self but thats okay i guess. Sooner or later, people would cry and miss me when i actually die. I've been thinking about committing suicide MANY MANY times but never did it. I dreamed of getting hit by a car or falling off a building.
Sometimes,i'm an attention whore. I WANT attention from people. I WANT people to listen to my problems and understand me but no matter how much i try to get them to listen, they just give me lame advice or just say they can't help me with my problems. So i say, "Screw them.".
There's some people out there that i want to hurt. Most of them are on Gaia of course but i know i can't do anything about it. I can't ban them if they didn't really break any rules whatsoever. Thats the bad part i hate. I wish for a little more confort though like a boyfriend. Someone who would love me and understand me. Friends are okay but boyfriends are better. I have so many grudges on people that its crazy. I currently have one bit of an anger for someone who im rping with. Don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy but can sometimes be an ass and i just want to knock him out.
I am also mean to people all the time. I slam doors in their faces and insult them but i find confort in hurting other innocent people because im hurting inside. I know its wrong to treat friends or people like that but, its how i feel and its how i'll deal.
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