New post which means I have new emotions that I need to get out. I'm tired of being a loner. I HATE being a loner but it's very difficult to stop being one because I have such social anxiety that it isn't funny. I hate going out. I hate being around strangers. I'm cluster phobic so I feel really uncomfortable when i'm around a lot of strangers in a tight place and it frustrates me and gives me a head ache. I hate feeling like this. And the worst part of it all, my mom acts like she doesn't want a loner like me for a kid. She always tells me how i'm not fun and she's not the ONLY person who has told me that. Growing up, I've always had people tell me or my mom that i'm not a fun person to be around and it hurts. It hurts to the core. I feel like I should save everybody the trouble and just go ahead and kill myself.
I'm not happy even when I try to be. I'm always putting on a smile in front of people and i'm tired of it. I'm tired of when i'm not smiling, people are always telling me that I should smile and you know what I want to say to them? I want to say FUCK YOU because I don't give a shit about smiling. Next time someone tells me to smile, I won't smile and i'll just stare at them like they have ten heads. I'm tired of trying to please everybody. I'm just tired. I shouldn't have to work this hard to have any friends or to hang out with anybody or anything. I don't deserve this. For the past month, it feels like I keep falling back into my old ways. The ways where i'm so angry and super depressed. I don't want to go back to the dark side but i'm slowly slipping every day and i'm terrified of falling back into the darkness and doing things or saying things that i'll regret.
I want someone to listen to me but I don't have the heart or the will to go seek help. I always try to get attention but it seems like nobody wants to listen or nobody understands so I keep my feelings bottled up. I can't do this anymore but I don't know what else to do. I'm stuck, slowly slipping into the darkness. I....I can't anymore.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Why Can't They Just Understand? (April 16, 2O13)
It's been awhile since I wrote in this blog but I wrote a song awhile ago and I want to post it on here. Enjoy!
ALIEN INVASION
ALIEN INVASION
*music slowly plays*
INVASION! ALIEN INVASION!!
INVASION! ALIEN INVASION!!
INVASION! ALIEN INVASION!!
INVASION! ALIEN INVASION!!
I never thought they'd come here.
I thought we were safe.
I never thought we were unprepared.
For this invasion
I'm trying to be smart.
Always trying to be sneaky.
I can't let them know.
Or let them catch me.
INVASION! ALIEN INVASION!!
INVASION! ALIEN INVASION!!
INVASION! ALIEN INVASION!!
INVASION! ALIEN INVASION!!
I can't believe that we're so stuck.
It's not the Zombie Apocalyspe.
We aren't running away from the undead.
It's something much more.
These are outer space invaders.
Here to shoot us down.
INVASION! ALIEN INVASION!!
INVASION! ALIEN INVASION!!
INVASION! ALIEN INVASION!!
INVASION! ALIEN INVASION!!
Now here's an invasion.
We're running from them cause it's
an invasion.
We gotta always be prepared cause it's an
invasion.
These aren't zombies.
Cause this is an INVASION!
INVASION! Alien Invasion
(Alien VS. Humans)
INVASION! Alien Invasion
This is an invasion.
ALIEN INVASION!
This is an invasion.
ALIEN INVASION!
I'm not ready to give up.
This is my home planet.
They invaded us.
SO THEY BETTER STEP DOWN!
This is an INVASION!
ALIEN INVASION!
This is my INVASION!
My ALIEN INVASION!
This an INVASION!
My ALIEN INVASION!
We gotta stop this INVASION!
I don't want this Alien Invasion....
*music slowly fades*
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Why Can't They Just Understand? (August 6, 2011)
Welcome To My Melancholy World.
I..i..i'm so unacceptable.
I..i..never thought i was invisable.
I..i..wanna stop crying.
I wanna stop trying.
Maybe some day my wish could come true.
May the gods be with you.
I..i..never thought it would end.
To live to see another day.
To rest in peace for eternity.
May the darkness breast be apart of you.
May the wishes start to come true.
Make the world a melancholy place.
I'm swollowed into a pit of oil.
Now i see why i'm here.
Now i see why i'm cherish here.
I hate this dirty place.
It's in my emotional space.
Make the world just go away.
And live to see another day.
(Instrumenal Break)
They say i'm a Vulpus.
I'm a shrewd, intelligent, and cautious fox.
Now to lay this in the box.
Don't start taking me away.
I'm just an animal in this dirty place.
Now to get me my own emotional space.
Let the gods be with you.
They were children i once knew.
They cry out for peace on bloody Earth.
I'm just sick and tired of this!
My voice will be silent forever.
I'm like a sick animal.
Just wanting to be loved again.
It makes me want to disappear.
Now i'm just here sitting....waiting...again.
(again....again...again)
I'm just here sitting...waiting...again.
Welcome to my melancholy world.
Don't call me ever again.
Don't try to erase my life from you.
They always call me a circus freak.
But do you care?
I'll keep my life away from you.
You've stepped in like an animal.
Welcome to my melancholy world.
I..i..i'm so unacceptable.
I..i..never thought i was invisable.
I..i..wanna stop crying.
I wanna stop trying.
Maybe some day my wish could come true.
May the gods be with you.
I..i..never thought it would end.
To live to see another day.
To rest in peace for eternity.
May the darkness breast be apart of you.
May the wishes start to come true.
Make the world a melancholy place.
I'm swollowed into a pit of oil.
Now i see why i'm here.
Now i see why i'm cherish here.
I hate this dirty place.
It's in my emotional space.
Make the world just go away.
And live to see another day.
(Instrumenal Break)
They say i'm a Vulpus.
I'm a shrewd, intelligent, and cautious fox.
Now to lay this in the box.
Don't start taking me away.
I'm just an animal in this dirty place.
Now to get me my own emotional space.
Let the gods be with you.
They were children i once knew.
They cry out for peace on bloody Earth.
I'm just sick and tired of this!
My voice will be silent forever.
I'm like a sick animal.
Just wanting to be loved again.
It makes me want to disappear.
Now i'm just here sitting....waiting...again.
(again....again...again)
I'm just here sitting...waiting...again.
Welcome to my melancholy world.
Don't call me ever again.
Don't try to erase my life from you.
They always call me a circus freak.
But do you care?
I'll keep my life away from you.
You've stepped in like an animal.
Welcome to my melancholy world.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Why Can't They Understand? (July 8th, 2011)
Someday...I'll be found
Finished the song lyrics. Enjoy!
And now i'm here for the show.
I'm walking around with no...motion.
I'm sitting here wandering around.
I wish to be found....again.
And now i'm in dispair.
I'm wishing i could repair...my heart.
And now everybody is gone.
And i'm just left here.
To be..found again.
Why must i try to get along.
Why must i try to be so dumb.
Why must i try so hard to be found.
There's nothing for me here.
I'm just walking around like a piece of air.
Nobody cares about my body.
But someday i will be found again.
Someday, i'll be found again.
Someday....someday....someday...
(Instrumental Break)
And now i'm here again.
Just sitting here with a piece of lint.
Everybody is gone.
I can not be found.
I just wish i was dead.
Then nobody can find again.
Everybody would cry....so hard.
And i wouldn't even care.
They'll be wishing to bring me back.
(Chorus)
And now i see how it is.
I'm sitting here wandering...around.
But nobody has found me yet.
It's like a game of hide and seek.
I'm the one dead and gone.
I'm the one that has left the earth.
I'm the one that is in pieces.
And i'm the one with the broken heart...
I'm the one with no life.
I'm the one with dispair.
I'm the one with no life stock.
I'm the one with a broken heart.
I can see far off into the distance.
And yet i'm the one with a wishing dream.
(Instrumental Break)
(Someday...someday...) (Someday...someday....) (Someday...someday...)
And someday i'll be found.
And someday i'll be around....again.
And someday i'll show the world.
That sometimes the dead is alive.
Our lives is hushed forever.
Our lives is gone.
You took it away from all of us.
And now we're back and found.
The dead is back and is here for revenge.
The dead is not quiet anymore.
The dead is angry with ourselves and the world.
But now...i'm so gone.
But now...i'm not found.
But now...but now...but now...i'm gone.
Finished the song lyrics. Enjoy!
And now i'm here for the show.
I'm walking around with no...motion.
I'm sitting here wandering around.
I wish to be found....again.
And now i'm in dispair.
I'm wishing i could repair...my heart.
And now everybody is gone.
And i'm just left here.
To be..found again.
Why must i try to get along.
Why must i try to be so dumb.
Why must i try so hard to be found.
There's nothing for me here.
I'm just walking around like a piece of air.
Nobody cares about my body.
But someday i will be found again.
Someday, i'll be found again.
Someday....someday....someday...
(Instrumental Break)
And now i'm here again.
Just sitting here with a piece of lint.
Everybody is gone.
I can not be found.
I just wish i was dead.
Then nobody can find again.
Everybody would cry....so hard.
And i wouldn't even care.
They'll be wishing to bring me back.
(Chorus)
And now i see how it is.
I'm sitting here wandering...around.
But nobody has found me yet.
It's like a game of hide and seek.
I'm the one dead and gone.
I'm the one that has left the earth.
I'm the one that is in pieces.
And i'm the one with the broken heart...
I'm the one with no life.
I'm the one with dispair.
I'm the one with no life stock.
I'm the one with a broken heart.
I can see far off into the distance.
And yet i'm the one with a wishing dream.
(Instrumental Break)
(Someday...someday...) (Someday...someday....) (Someday...someday...)
And someday i'll be found.
And someday i'll be around....again.
And someday i'll show the world.
That sometimes the dead is alive.
Our lives is hushed forever.
Our lives is gone.
You took it away from all of us.
And now we're back and found.
The dead is back and is here for revenge.
The dead is not quiet anymore.
The dead is angry with ourselves and the world.
But now...i'm so gone.
But now...i'm not found.
But now...but now...but now...i'm gone.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Why Can't They Understand? (May 4th, 2011)
Soooooo it's been awhile since i've did a blog entry. So much shit has been going on and after explaining so much to my friends and talking to them about my situations(one currently) and getting advice from them, i kinda don't feel like getting into it now or explain it into this blog but i will say this. This guy, i said before, is going out with one of my friends. This morning, i was shocked and amazed and surprisingly, calm. I played it off until later like 2nd period where i broke down and i felt like crying but i couldn't. I wanted to cry but i couldn't. My crush gave me 2 notes telling me he was sad about hurting me and shit.
The rest of the school hours, i've been trying to avoid my crush. But, during 4th period, he caught me in the halls on my way to class and hugged me. I couldn't resist so i hugged him back and whatever but now, after all the advice i got from my friends, i'm just not gonna be his friends nor talk to him nor have ANYTHING to do with him. He's a lier. A backstabber. A cheater and everything else. I could name him so many names in the book but i won't. He never even TOLD me he was dating my friend and it pissed me off because it totally raised the lieing meter by 100.
Anyways, i don't need him. I don't need anybody. I'll just lay off on dating for awhile and go about my buisness. Guys these days aren't worth my time. Really, they're not. I feel stupid and bad that this happend to me AGAIN by a guy who was my type and who i liked. I would say i wish he would burn in hell but i'm better than that.
The rest of the school hours, i've been trying to avoid my crush. But, during 4th period, he caught me in the halls on my way to class and hugged me. I couldn't resist so i hugged him back and whatever but now, after all the advice i got from my friends, i'm just not gonna be his friends nor talk to him nor have ANYTHING to do with him. He's a lier. A backstabber. A cheater and everything else. I could name him so many names in the book but i won't. He never even TOLD me he was dating my friend and it pissed me off because it totally raised the lieing meter by 100.
Anyways, i don't need him. I don't need anybody. I'll just lay off on dating for awhile and go about my buisness. Guys these days aren't worth my time. Really, they're not. I feel stupid and bad that this happend to me AGAIN by a guy who was my type and who i liked. I would say i wish he would burn in hell but i'm better than that.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Why Can't They Understand? (April 11, 2011)
Okay, so its been a few days to a week. I know. But, i have a poem to share. I'm really not in the mood to update my life but here's a little something i want to share. Its for my crush and writing poetry is the only way to express my strong feelings for something. That, and writing on blogger. xD Anyways, here you go.
POEM BY IITEENAGEVAMPIREII
Why don't you let me in?
Why don't you let me in?
When i see you, my heart flutters.
When i hear you, i listen.
When i touch you, i get goosebumps.
When were together, i feel happy.
When we hold hands, i can't contain myself.
I want to be yours and yours only.
Why don't you let me in?
This heart wants your love.
My feelings can't go away.
Deep down, i'm nervous.
My brain competes for your knowledge.
Your voice is dark but full of love.
Your body is beautiful and i want it.
Your heart is big and i want it.
Why don't you let me in?
This heart wants your love.
My feelings can't go away.
Listen to my words and understand my feelings.
I can't contain myself.
My heart bleeds for your soul.
Why don't you let me in.
Let me be yours for the taking.
Lets be together forever.
And lets cherish our love.
When i hear you, i listen.
When i touch you, i get goosebumps.
When were together, i feel happy.
When we hold hands, i can't contain myself.
I want to be yours and yours only.
Why don't you let me in?
This heart wants your love.
My feelings can't go away.
Deep down, i'm nervous.
My brain competes for your knowledge.
Your voice is dark but full of love.
Your body is beautiful and i want it.
Your heart is big and i want it.
Why don't you let me in?
This heart wants your love.
My feelings can't go away.
Listen to my words and understand my feelings.
I can't contain myself.
My heart bleeds for your soul.
Why don't you let me in.
Let me be yours for the taking.
Lets be together forever.
And lets cherish our love.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Why Can't They Understand? (April 3rd, 2011)
Alright, i know its been almost a month since i last updated but i've been really busy. (and also forgetting to update). Anyways, so far, my life is still shitty as always but i got some good news. I 2nd handed met this boy thats friends with my friend a few weeks ago in class. The first time i saw him, i didn't know him and barely talked to him but when we partnered up in class, i finally got to meet him.
He's an awsome guy that is totally dark and mysterious which is my type. He's also cute of course and i really can't tell if he likes me or not but we mess with each other all the time so i think he does. Anyways, i'm on spring break and the first thing i did was go on a 2 day trip with my grandma and mom. We just came back home and im very ill with Allergies. I'm starting to wonder if its allergies or not. Oh well.
He's an awsome guy that is totally dark and mysterious which is my type. He's also cute of course and i really can't tell if he likes me or not but we mess with each other all the time so i think he does. Anyways, i'm on spring break and the first thing i did was go on a 2 day trip with my grandma and mom. We just came back home and im very ill with Allergies. I'm starting to wonder if its allergies or not. Oh well.
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